A few weeks ago, I was struggling with a deep sadness. I found myself talking (crying) to my spiritual director, explaining to him that I felt God asking me to do something that I did not want to do. Spiritually, God had been very clear but emotionally, I revealed to my director that my biggest barrier was in fact my sadness.
I will admit that I am a very emotional person - I cry in movie theaters, churches, restaurants, anywhere really - both from joy and sadness. I also suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which means that I become extra emotional during the winter months. Knowing these things about myself, I am sometimes reluctant to do things that might make me sad because I feel the emotional consequences of my sadness so much more than most people. For me, self-care means not binge-watching sad shows like "This Is Us" or listening to Adele on a rainy day (just kidding, kinda). But in reality, I have to be careful with my emotions because for me, a bad day can quickly devolve into a few days or weeks of deep depression.
So there I was, in my spiritual director's office, realizing that sadness is a real barrier for me in the spiritual life. In fact, I had become afraid of being sad because it was so difficult to live as a joyful disciple of Jesus when I felt the pangs of sorrow. He looked at me and without hesitating for a moment said, "Being sad is not a barrier; it's a beatitude."
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:4
There is always a grace offered in suffering and this grace is always proportional to the suffering. For example, if you lose your wallet, the Lord quickly sends a grace to help you in a stressful time. In the same way, if you experience the loss of a loved one, the Lord surely gives much more grace to you in your time of grief. Lucky for me, the more I experience sadness in my life, the more grace the Lord wants to offer me. The more I mourn, the more He wants to comfort me. The more grief I carry, the more He wants to be present in my life.
"In my deepest wound, I saw Your glory & it dazzled me." - Saint Augustine
For this reason, I am confident that when God asks me to do something that makes me sad, it's because He wants to reveal Himself to me in a new and deeper way. He wants to use my Seasonal Affective Disorder to make me a saint.
What is your deepest wound? He wants to use that in you too.
COVID-19
During this time, you might be feeling a lot of different things - lonely, stir crazy, trapped, hopeful, anxious, overwhelmed, all of the above? I want to tell you that it's okay to feel whatever you are feeling. But I also want to tell you that if you are mourning (the loss of physical friendships, the loss of plans and events cancelled, the loss of a job, the loss of routine, the loss of peace, the loss of anything), Jesus wants to give you a grace. You just have to ask for it! Invite Him into your mourning and He will come. He will comfort. Jesus promised us this in the Beatitudes and He always keeps His promises.
In my own life, I have already seen the fulfillment of this promise (thank God for spiritual directors, right?). Just because I am depressed (isolated, lustful, lazy, etc., insert your wound here) does not mean that I am at an arms length from Jesus. Rather, He draws me very close to the foot of the cross and shows me His own broken heart. We share many moments like this; heart to heart. I would not give up my SAD if it meant giving up those moments. I encourage you - go to the cross. Only there does suffering make sense.
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