The Growing Pains of Abandonment

Every morning with my team, I pray the CCO Apostle's Prayer. One of the lines in this prayer has become very well-known for its conviction and challenge:

I will go anywhere you want me to go.

I will do anything you want me to do.

I will say anything you want me to say.

These words express the radical abandonment that every CCO missionary lives. From support raising to our city of work to the souls of our students - we are called to give everything to the Lord knowing that He always provides for us out of his goodness.

Even though this type of abandonment sounded scary, I did it. I uprooted my entire life, moved across the country and left behind my family and friends. But let me tell you, I did not like it. There were days when I thought about quitting. There were days when I sat alone in my apartment all day because I didn't know anyone or have any plans. There were days when I had to kill bugs myself because there was no boyfriend or mom within earshot to rescue me. It was equal parts terrifying and disgusting.

My new life as a missionary was lonely and uncomfortable and hard. I thought that I couldn't possibly join the ranks of the great Saints because my human emotions kept getting in the way. Saints don't look back at what they have left behind, yet that was all I could seem to do. How can I be abandoned when I am hesitant, fearful, and heartbroken? If I really trusted the Lord then I would be joyful, right? I felt like a hypocrite: proclaiming to be an abandoned missionary on the outside but actually being miserable on the inside.

I'm learning that most of my assumptions about abandonment are false.

I think about Abraham, who was asked by God to sacrifice his only son, Isaac. He said yes and he climbed the mountain but I don't imagine that he was joyful about following God's will. I imagine that he was confused, sorrowful, and maybe even angry. But he said yes anyways. When God asked him to go, do, and say, Abraham was abandoned despite his feelings.

Abandonment to God is not merely an emotion, a disposition, or even a spiritual state. It is a choice.

I think that Abraham was not able to be abandoned because he felt good about what God was asking - but rather, I do think that he was even more abandoned for feeling disdain towards God's plan but following it anyways. Even Jesus felt the same tension in his heart when he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done” (Matthew 26:42).

This thought is comforting to me because it means that I don't have to hide how hard it is to be abandoned or pretend that I'm always happy. I also don't have to feel bad for not being a spiritual giant because I'm not. However, I am choosing to say yes to Jesus and to keep saying yes even when it hurts. (And some days, it really hurts.) I don't have to feel like a fraud. I am leaning into a new freedom because I understand that my desires and my abandonment do not have to be the same thing to be holy. My life is still lonely and uncomfortable and hard sometimes, but trusting the Lord is not reserved for the great and pious souls. I'm still growing but I can also pray these words in my brokenness - and mean them because I choose them out of love for Jesus and his mission:

I will go anywhere you want me to go.

I will do anything you want me to do.

I will say anything you want me to say.